Section: Misc → Lessons
Importance: Helpful tips for men

Can O' Tan!

I'm the guinea pig to make life better.
The brightness or contrast has not been changed in these pictures. Click on the pictures to get a larger view.

I am the whitest man on the planet. Just once in my life I wanted to be tan. My friend has been pushing me to try this rub on tan stuff since I've met her. In addition to being the whitest man in America, I am the cheapest. When my friend started saying, "Blah blah $20 a bottle, blah blah, $35 dollars a bottle but it's totally worth it," I tuned out. My other friend, Deanna, recommended Neutrogena foaming lotion for $10 a bottle. So I roll into the drug store and pick up the Long's drugs house brand for $5 a bottle. Let's see what happened.

It's important to note that the goo takes about 8 hours after application before you'll see any results. I liked rubbing it on at night, and then when I wake up I can see what's doin'.

This is the way that it starts. Solid proof that I'm the whitest man in America.
I recommend doing this procedure wearing gloves. You don't have to worry about washing your hands afterward, and it keeps them from getting way to tan. I use "Multi-Use Latex Gloves" from Home Depot. If you think, "I don't need that many," check out "How to Build a Fifi."
So here's what I looked like after the first coat. You can see the need for even coating. Check out the massive patches of whiteness and the little bit of tan.
On the second coat I really laid it on thick. At the rate I was going I was never going to be tan, and I wanted to hurry it up. That's why in this picture I look like a leather bound sun worshipper. This picture is also the product of several touch ups. I had a lot of problems with a consistent coat and spent an entire Saturday finding missing spots and patching it up.

If you're even more impatient than I am, take a weekend where you don't have to do anything and just spend your time buttering yourself up. Find the missing spots every 8 hours, and re-coat.

So I finally got my body the way I wanted it, and now it was time to attack my face. I don't have any pictures of it, but the Neutrogena foaming crap turned my face bright orange. A quick rub with a wash cloth and it took off the top layer of skin, and I was left with a pretty good glow. Although I later had good results with the Neutrogena on my back, I'll just stick with the cheap stuff. It seems to work just as well.

Now here comes the aftermath. After doing this I've realized that I should have just exfoliated my whole body before I started. That odd pixelation in the picture, is not my camera, but my irregular flaky skin coming off to reveal my whiteness, leaving me looking like a cracked clay pot. It's been two weeks and it still hasn't gone away completely.
Definitely check out the close up of this one.

The key to this whole thing is being able to run and hide before/after you've done it. You need some time away from your co-workers before you do this, so they don't think you're some crazed wanna be porn star shaving his sack and dying his body in his spare time. Afterward you need a lot of time to flake off. It's a lot of work to do this, so unless you're unemployed it's just too much effort. You might as well invest in a turtle neck or two and just wait out the flaking.