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I am the whitest man on the planet. Just once in
my life I wanted to be tan. My friend has been pushing me to try this
rub on tan stuff since I've met her. In addition to being the whitest
man in America, I am the cheapest. When my friend started saying,
"Blah blah $20 a bottle, blah blah, $35 dollars a bottle but it's
totally worth it," I tuned out. My other friend, Deanna, recommended
Neutrogena foaming lotion for $10 a bottle. So I roll into the drug
store and pick up the Long's drugs house brand for $5 a bottle. Let's
see what happened.
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It's
important to note that the goo takes about 8 hours after application
before you'll see any results. I liked rubbing it on at night,
and then when I wake up I can see what's doin'. |
This is the way that it starts. Solid proof that I'm the
whitest man in America.
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I recommend doing this procedure wearing
gloves. You don't have to worry about washing your hands
afterward, and it keeps them from getting way to tan.
I use "Multi-Use Latex Gloves" from Home Depot. If you
think, "I don't need that many," check out "How
to Build a Fifi." |
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| So here's what I looked like after the first
coat. You can see the need for even coating. Check out the massive
patches of whiteness and the little bit of tan. |
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| On the second coat I really laid it on thick. At the rate
I was going I was never going to be tan, and I wanted to hurry
it up. That's why in this picture I look like a leather bound
sun worshipper. This picture is also the product of several
touch ups. I had a lot of problems with a consistent coat and
spent an entire Saturday finding missing spots and patching
it up. |
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If you're even more impatient than I am, take a weekend where
you don't have to do anything and just spend your time buttering
yourself up. Find the missing spots every 8 hours, and re-coat. |
So I finally got my body the way I wanted it, and now it was time
to attack my face. I don't have any pictures of it, but the Neutrogena
foaming crap turned my face bright orange. A quick rub with a wash
cloth and it took off the top layer of skin, and I was left with a
pretty good glow. Although I later had good results with the Neutrogena
on my back, I'll just stick with the cheap stuff. It seems to work
just as well.
Now here
comes the aftermath. After doing this I've realized that I should
have just exfoliated my whole body before I started. That odd
pixelation in the picture, is not my camera, but my irregular
flaky skin coming off to reveal my whiteness, leaving me looking
like a cracked clay pot. It's been two weeks and it still hasn't
gone away completely.
Definitely check out the close up of this one. |
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The key to this whole thing is being able to run and hide before/after
you've done it. You need some time away from your co-workers before
you do this, so they don't think you're some crazed wanna be porn
star shaving his sack and dying his body in his spare time. Afterward
you need a lot of time to flake off. It's a lot of work to do this,
so unless you're unemployed it's just too much effort. You might as
well invest in a turtle neck or two and just wait out the flaking.
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