Section: Misc → Lessons
Importance: The insider into the lesbian expereience.
So You Wanna Be a Lesbian.





So you've decided to be a lesbian. This isn't going to be a picnic. Sure you're leaving behind the days of socks on the floor, hand in the pants, berky world of men, but stepping into a world of all your own worst faults. Guys' weaknesses are also their strength. Men are simple critters. They say what they mean, and they don't expect much. Women require a lot more maintenance, and your new partner will expect all that attention that you were expecting from her.

So Let's examine the pros and cons of becoming a new lesbian. Rose, a new lesbian herself, will take the pro side, while I'll make the case for why you should still date men.

Rose Alan
Women Understand PMS. PMS sucks both for the woman who has it and everyone around her. And the last thing you can tell a woman when she is moody, eating chocolate, broken out, bloated, and crying - all the day before her period - is that she must be suffering from PMS. It just upsets her that you don't think her feelings are valid, even though tomorrow she'll be laughing with you about it. Men, however, never seem to learn that you can't tell a woman she's PMS-ing. Month after month after month, they end up with an angry woman consoling herself in ice cream. Other women get PMS, so when you're dating one, she knows that it comes as a surprise every month, and that often, like alcohol, it simply heightens emotions. She knows it will pass if left alone, which she does. If you think one person with a period sucks, try two. Here's the best part. If you live together you'll get your periods N'SYNC, and there will be strings attached. Living with a woman on the rag is one thing, but dating her is all different. Men are helpful because they'll get stuff for you on your period. So you're saying, "So what, it's only once a month." It's once a month for a week! And that week is a fragile time. "Maybe it won't be that bad." Yeah, right! And maybe getting kicked in the nuts won't hurt that bad either. But you wouldn't know about that.
I've dated guys before. I know that it's fun to "accidentally" wear his sweatshirt home as it smells like him and you can wear it when you watch movies or go to the park. However, you're pretty much limited to that one sweatshirt. Maybe a flannel if you're lucky. But when you date another girl, your wardrobe doubles. If you date a woman with the same shoe size, morning outfitting sessions become infinitely more pleasing. So, you're not limited to the sweatshirt in order to feel like you have a reminder of your love interest all day. You can wear any variety of wardrobe choices anywhere you want and spend the day smelling and thinking of her. You broads all think it's fun to trade clothes "in theory," but in reality all we do is hear about how what's her name stretched out the neckline and spilled Weight Watchers chocolate shake all down the front. If you're a lesbian, don't share clothes. This will just be another thing you broads can fight over. And believe me you don't need another thing.
I know there are women out there who like football. Hurrah for you. However, the majority of us have better things to do, like anything. Football is a game. An overpriced, time-consuming, steroid-filled, game. It upholds beer, exploitation, hurting one another, and chasing after a ball for no real purpose other than to score points, which do nothing other than add up. Men seem incapable, at times, of talking about anything but football. They even play fantasy football, which none of them seem to realize is so far beyond reality, it puts fairy tales to shame. When women go to parties, we talk about legitimate happenings and people. Granted, we might be gossiping about Susan's affair or how Joey got fired, but they're still REAL people. Hey, if we didn't have football, we'd want to have sex all the time. You need us to like sports so you can hang out with your girlfriends and talk smack about us. And there's another fun thing. Once you become a lesbian, forget about ever having 'single' girls night out. A chance to get away from your mates. Cuz now your lover will want to go with you, because "Hey she's a girl too." And if that doesn't piss you off, it'll certainly irritate your single girl friends. Even though they won't say anything.
This is a lot like the PMS. Women get that when you're crying, it's generally just because you're very frustrated. They don't accuse you of emotional blackmail. Oh right, like you've never cried to get your own way. Just remember that once you get into a relationship with a woman they'll know this all powerful trump card, and they won't fall for it. Remember, guys will do anything to make you stop crying. Guys will buy you a pony to get you to stop crying.
Men often do well buying presents, but generally you have to hit them over the head with a little blue box in order for them to pick out the right thing, and even then, they come home with heart-shaped jewelry. (As an aside - who is wearing all of this heart-shaped jewelry? If it's you, take it off.) When asked what I wanted for my birthday one year, I told my boyfriend that I wanted something beautiful, romantic and girly. He could have purchased: tasteful earrings, lingerie, a dress, etc. I got: a black raincoat from REI. Right. And I'm not saying that girls always know what to get guys - they don't. But when it comes to presents for women, women get it. In the first month I was dating my girlfriend, she surprised me with a silver ring from Tiffany's. Come on - it doesn't get better than that. Guys just need to remember that good presents are linked directly to sex. If they give a blender they'll get nothing. Even a bouquet of flowers is enough to pry her legs apart a little bit.
Comic Book Collections, Legos, Star Wars Figurines, and Alcoholic Paraphernalia as Decoration. What IS that shit, guys? Throw it out. If you want to get laid, don't line up your Yodas and Han Solos in their original packaging. What do you care?!? As soon as we move in together you manage to pack up anything that's fun and doesn't fit in with your Martha Stewart, Better Homes and Gardens life style and shove it in a box and cram it under the stairs.
The Sex. It's better. I'm not going to go into details, but trust me. It's better. Guys - it shouldn't be too hard to figure out as there are a million pornos outlining the process for you. Girls - imagine that someone finally understands every one of your sexual needs. Yes. It's that good. Oh Yeah!?! ...Well...we've got...Uh... penis... uh ...yeah..uh...and we got...uh...
damn we are so screwed.