Section: Misc → Lessons
Importance: Helpful tips for men
Maybe I'm not Afraid of Flying.
Excerpted from: "We're All Gonna Die.".


WARNING: Those with weak stomachs, or people who can't even think to talk about vomit should not read this. If you wanna read my tangents, just click on the underlined links.

Maybe I'm not afraid of flying. Maybe I'm afraid of vomiting. I've always vomited easily, or at least I've gotten sick easily. There usta be this three armed Ferris wheel thing at Great America. I always puked on it.
It's a weird thing watching puke fall. It stays together, provided there are no strong winds. It just floats down like a flag. Gently waving in the breeze.

It was so great to watch, until I had to come off the ride. Everybody pointing at it. Mothers turning their children's heads away. And the smell. The only cool part on the ground was watching the sawdust guy come.

But the post puke is so degrading. Everybody pities you. This is why I'm afraid of vomiting. It's a sign of weakness. And I don't like people much, this just gives them a reason to talk to me. Asking me if I'm OK. And the ones that don't pity you are suffering through those noises, and that smell.

I remember I threw up in the back of some ladies car in a car pool. I had the seat to myself and was facing the other way. I vomited by the edge of seat, down by the seatbelt. I don't know how she didn't hear it. She called my mom, weeks, maybe even a month later. How could it take her that long to notice. And that smell.

I remember one time I yacked in the back of somebody's car on the way back from their birthday party at McDonald land. We had Grimace hand puppets and I had to use Grimace as a makeshift barf bag. I had so much in me it ran over the top and into my lap. Who knew an 8 year old would have more than a handful of puke in them. I want to thank Kevin for donating his sweater to the cause.

But the truly amazing thing about puking, is before, and while you're doing it, all you're thinking about is the vomit. When you're having sex you're thinking about the cheese in the refrigerator, or what you're doing tomorrow, but with the sickness, all you think about is vomiting. You think about the smell, the taste, how you're stomach muscles are gonna be totally overworked, you are totally in the moment.

And then you realize, I'm actually gonna feel a lot better if I just evacuate my system. And you say, "Damn everyone else. I don't care about the sounds, the smell, I'm losing it."

So the next time I feel some turbulence on a plane, maybe I can realize that we're not going to die in a fiery ball, but I'm just afraid of tossing in front of strangers.
And the next time you see me puking, don't pity me. Because now, I'm better, and for once I was totally focused and in the moment.